Published on August 7th, 2012 | by MrNameless0
5 New Olympic Sports (Inspired by Videogames)
The following is an article originally published by Sian Bradley, Feature Editor at Cubed Gamers!
As the modern Olympics celebrate their 116th birthday by taking over our television screens once more, I thought it was time for someone to step in and make some changes. Sure, the events that we watch every four years are interesting enough, but we haven’t seen anything brand new and exciting for many years, or ever, depending on who you are. So I decided that it was time to look at an incredibly popular pastime for some advice and boy do videogames offer a lot of potential Olympic events. After many hours of consideration, I managed to pick out the five most interesting that we’re all secretly hoping to see in the Rio 2016 Olympics. Please?
After many years of watching Mario and his friends kick the hell out of Koopas, we’re always left wondering “when can I abuse some poor animals and get away with it?” Well today is your chance. If the Olympics were to include this event you could hop, skip and jump all over the shelled creatures, while ignoring the great pang of guilt that comes with it.
So what’s the event?
Olympians would be put into individual arenas with numerous turtles surrounding them. As the whistle is blown, each are given one minute to jump on as many as possible, with more being thrown in as time goes on. The winner would be the person who manages to stomp the most in the allotted time. Of course, in true Mario fashion, each turtle would be fitted with a motor so that they spin and dart around once hit by the competitor, though rather than killing the person if they bounce back into their path, the speed would be such to knock them to the ground. Hard.
It may have a hard time getting through health and safety laws, yet you have to admit that this athletic event would keep people on the edges of their seats.
Yet another event that is inspired by numerous platforming games as well as the odd adventure. What would be more entertaining than watching a field full of people trying to bound their way up two completely flat pieces of wall while seamlessly defying gravity (or not so seamlessly, depending how good they are)?
So what’s the event?
This test of strength and speed would see people pushing themselves between two slabs of wall with just one goal; to reach the top with the quickest time. You can only be touching one of the walls at any one time otherwise you will be disqualified; however, if you fall then you mustn’t give up as you’re still part of the game. I mean, who’s going to make it up first try? It’s not like these are trained athle- okay, maybe the majority would clamber up with ease. The great thing about this is that there would be enough walls to have the Olympians all climbing at the same time, eliminating any foul play that you may see in current events, such as pushing someone on their face while running around the track.
To make it even more entertaining, each country could be given a famous character to dress up as, along with their most famous catchphrase to end the climb with. No, stop being silly, the catchphrase is too far, we’re professionals here!
No, this isn’t just a boring sprint to the finish line, snatching up objects as you go. Well it is, but on a much bigger scale and inspired by sidequests seen in the majority of sandbox games. You know, the ones where you collect CDs or pebbles, or something equally as pointless. I’ve heard hoarding can be dangerous for you though…
So what’s the event?
Depending on which city the Olympics are held in, all the participating people are placed in a fairly large area – a few blocks each side – and told to collect a certain item. It would be scored on how many you are able to collect in the time given or, if it comes to a tie-break, how quickly you managed to grab them all up. However, to spice this event up a bit (as it certainly sounds boring to watch at the moment, especially as it would be hours long) practically anything goes. The only rule is that no weapons may be used at any time, though unarmed attacks are most welcome!
Sure, it’s borderline evil and climbing on buildings is dangerous enough, but it’d be entertaining nonetheless. Besides, the Olympics are like the goody two-shoes tweens of the world, it’s about time they grew up a bit. As long as it’s after 9pm of course, don’t want to be giving children nightmares of the big bad athletes do we?
It was inevitable that we’d try and make an event out of the most popular videogame in the world – Tetris. Only, watching some active kids sit around and play on Game Boys sounds like the best way to send everyone to sleep (like some existing events do), so obviously some changes would have to be made to make the event short, snappy, sporty and most important of all, entertaining.
So what’s the event?
This would definitely be an event for the gymnasts and would demand quite large teams of 12, though why people wouldn’t jump at a chance to play this, I don’t know. Participants would ready themselves at the top of a slope (made slippy by constantly running water, to hurry the event up a bit and provide hilarity as everyone lies down dripping wet) and without warning will be pushed one by one down. As the travel, they must position themselves into Tetris shapes – as close to the original ones as possible – and try to form full lines as seen in the electronic version. If there are gaps left open then the line doesn’t count, the winning team being the one who makes the most lines with the players available. Like the original game, it would still be possible to top out of the game which equals instant elimination.
Although I have little idea of what would happen if two or more teams tied with each other, it’d certainly be the event to beat them all. And, in true Tetris laws, if a team gets four full lines in a row then they would be awarded extra points – maybe a couple thousand. That should separate the winners and losers nicely. One minute, I have to grab my water slide and test this event… weeeeee!
Believe it or not, games don’t do anything interesting with water – at least not enough to create a brand new event with. So I managed to scrape together quite a few water activities and bunch them all together in order to make a brand new water event because, let’s be honest, the ones at the moment are pretty much the same every four years.
So what’s the event?
As the name suggests, this involves swimming down as far as possible before you have to come back up for air to remind us just how annoying air meters are. Only this time they’re thrilling as there’s a sense of danger, though in order to make it an official event, this danger would not be real and people would be in the water ready with oxygen if need be. The swimmers must launch themselves off of a diving board and keep swimming down, avoiding any obstacles that may appear before them. Medals would be awarded on how far you can sink, with no points going to horizontal distance. If someone does happen to reach the bottom of the pool (which would require a hell of a lung capacity) then it would also be measured by time.
I have absolutely no idea how people would train for this event but watching as people squirm to get that little bit further before giving up would be fun right? I promise that no-one on this website is sadistic… not very anyway.
If these were to be accepted in time for the next Olympics, we’d see much more interest in the Games from possibly the least sporty people in the world – gamers. Not only that, but I’m sure much more of us, including myself would train to be a part of them, because let’s face it the 200m just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Do you have more ideas of how to modernise the Olympics that bit more? Let us know in the comments. I’d also like to point out that I am a fan of the Olympics and think all the sportspeople involved have some amazing talent – it’d just be nice to freshen some things up.