Published on February 12th, 2013 | by Chatterb0x1
4 Pokemon that Exemplify Eternal Suffering
As we’ve learned from the previous article, 4 Pokemon that Kill Remorselessly, not everything is sunshine and rainbows in the Pokemon universe. Growing up in the 90′s most children at one point dreamed of becoming Pokemon Masters. Below I present four more reasons why you should probably be content with Accounting.
Gold: “If you are burned by the flames it shoots from its mouth, the pain will never go away.”
Silver: “Upon hearing its eerie howls, other Pokémon get the shivers and head straight back to their nests.”
Diamond/Pearl: “Long ago, people imagined its eerie howls to be the call of the grim reaper.”
Favourite quote: “Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.” -Mark 9:48, King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
the pain will never go away
There is sincerely no other way to interpret Houndoom. He is satan. Or, given the physiology, satan’s doberman. Gold and Silver version were released amidtst backlash from parenting and religious organizations. Try pleading with a conservative Christian mom that Pokemon exemplifies only wholesome biblical ideals. How would you oh-so-tactfully explain away racked horns, bone jewelry, and a spade tail?
Ruby: “Spoink bounces around on its tail. The shock of its bouncing makes its heart pump. As a result, this Pokémon cannot afford to stop bouncing – if it stops, its heart will stop.”
FireRed/LeafGreen: “Using its tail like a spring, it keeps its heart beating by bouncing constantly. If it stops, it dies.”
Favorite quote: “True! – nervous – very, very nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad?” -The Tell-Tale Heart, Edgar Allen Poe
Well, Spoink, let me elaborate. I can say with the strongest conviction that remaining animated 24/7, 365 days a year, out of fear you will slip into cardiac arrest should you so much as bat an eyelid, is enough to erode most men and womens sanity. On a side note Spoink is my number one contender for Pokemon that can double as sexual slang.
Yellow: “By licking, it saps the victim’s life. It causes shaking that won’t stop until the victim’s demise.”
Crystal: “It hides in the dark, planning to take the life of the next living thing that wanders close by.”
Platinum: “It likes to lurk in the dark and tap shoulders with a gaseous hand. Its touch causes endless shuddering.”
Favorite quote: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” -Proverbs 18:21, New International Bible
The last time I exhibited constant shivering my doctor issued a blood test for hyperthyroidism. Imagine how colorful a check up in the Pokemon world must be by comparison. “Has an apparition recently beckoned you to a horrid demise?” “Damnit, I told that bouncer it wasn’t a cocaine trip!” “Take this down to the lab and get tested for Haunter.”
Black: “Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry.”
White: “These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves in past ages. Each retains memories of its former life.”
Favorite quote: “Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” -The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
Todd McFarlane must have gone uncredited as a lead Pokemon designer. Just when a man thinks he can get peace and quiet some 10-year old enslaves his soul in a ball. “My family and friends are waiting for me in the afterlife, but it’s cool, I’ll murder local wildelife for you.” How would animal rights groups address something like Yamask? Do spirits even fall under PETAs jurisdiction? Is there a People for the Ethical Treatment of Ghosts? I’m eagerly anticipating GameFreak to introduce Spawn as Yamask’s celebrity evolution next generation.